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Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
Dov Davidoff
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Dov Davidoff
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More quotes by Dov Davidoff
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
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I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
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Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
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People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.
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Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
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The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
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Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
Dov Davidoff
Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?
Dov Davidoff
I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.
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Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
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Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?
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Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
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America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.
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Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
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Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.
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Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.
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Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.
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Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
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