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The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
Machine
Machines
Universal
Language
May
Love
Atm
Options

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Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
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Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
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I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
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If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.
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Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?
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The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
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Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.
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I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.
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Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.
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Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.
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What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.
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Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
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All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
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My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
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Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
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I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
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I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
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Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
Dov Davidoff