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Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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More quotes by Dov Davidoff

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Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.
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Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.
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Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
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It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
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Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?
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Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
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I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
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I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
Dov Davidoff
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When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.
Dov Davidoff
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Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
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Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.
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Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
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Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.
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Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
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Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
Dov Davidoff
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Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
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The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.
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Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
Dov Davidoff
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I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.
Dov Davidoff
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Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?
Dov Davidoff