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No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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More quotes by Dov Davidoff

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Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.
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The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
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Comedy is rarely funny.
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Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.
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Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
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Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
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Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
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Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
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False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.
Dov Davidoff
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The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.
Dov Davidoff
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Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.
Dov Davidoff
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You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.
Dov Davidoff
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
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Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
Dov Davidoff
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Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
Dov Davidoff
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Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
Dov Davidoff
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I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
Dov Davidoff
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Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.
Dov Davidoff
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Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.
Dov Davidoff