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Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.
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Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.
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Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
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When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.
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Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?
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Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
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Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
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Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
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Upside of being an attractive woman if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.
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If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
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I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
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Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.
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Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
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I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
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Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
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Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.
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Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.
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Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
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If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.
Dov Davidoff
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Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess.
Dov Davidoff