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The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
Things
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Electricity
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Health
Free
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Good

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We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
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We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.
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No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
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The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
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It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.
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When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.
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I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.
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Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?
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The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.
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Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.
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The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
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Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.
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Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
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I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
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Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
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The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.
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Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
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Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
Dov Davidoff