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If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
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The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
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Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
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We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
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Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
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I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
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Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.
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I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
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Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
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Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.
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Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.
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Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
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Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.
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Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
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Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.
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Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.
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I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
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I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
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