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If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.
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Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
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Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.
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Comedy is rarely funny.
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Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
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The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
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When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.
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The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.
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Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
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I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.
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If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.
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Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
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If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.
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I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
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Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
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False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.
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You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
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The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.
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Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
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