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Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
Dov Davidoff
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Dov Davidoff
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More quotes by Dov Davidoff
Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
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It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
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It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.
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Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
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Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
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America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
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Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.
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Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
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Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
Dov Davidoff
Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
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No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
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Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
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Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
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It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
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Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.
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The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.
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Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
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People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.
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I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
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Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.
Dov Davidoff