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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
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Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?
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I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
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Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
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Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess.
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Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
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People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.
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I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
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When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
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Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
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Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
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I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.
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Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
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What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.
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Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
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Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.
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Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
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If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
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My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.
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Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
Dov Davidoff