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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
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If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
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Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.
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We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
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Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
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Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.
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I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.
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Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.
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America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.
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Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.
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You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.
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When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
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Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
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People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.
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Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
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All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
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People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.
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Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
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Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
Dov Davidoff
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Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
Dov Davidoff