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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.
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The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.
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I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
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I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.
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Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
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Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
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When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
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Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
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Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.
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Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.
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Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.
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The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
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Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
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It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
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Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
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Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.
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Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
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I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
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Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
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Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.
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