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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
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Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
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If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
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Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
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Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
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The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.
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I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
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I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
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Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
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Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.
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Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
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Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
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Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.
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A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.
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People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.
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People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.
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Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
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Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.
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I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
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Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
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