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My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Dov Davidoff

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Dov Davidoff
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If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
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People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.
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Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.
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Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
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Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
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Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
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Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?
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I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
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I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
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Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
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Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
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If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.
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If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.
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I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.
Dov Davidoff
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Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
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Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
Dov Davidoff
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Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
Dov Davidoff
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I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.
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I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
Dov Davidoff
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America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
Dov Davidoff