Quote

I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
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Question
Answers
System
Point
Period
Wish
Constantly
Every
Hour

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
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In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
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What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
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AA makes Scientology look credible.
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I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Doug Stanhope
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
Doug Stanhope
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
Doug Stanhope
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
Doug Stanhope
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I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Doug Stanhope
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We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
Doug Stanhope