Quote

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Live
Theories
Really
Conspiracy
Love
Entertainment
Theory
Fun
Paranoid
Stills
Hype
Used
Afterwards
Still
Garbage

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
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Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
Doug Stanhope
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Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
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I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
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I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
Doug Stanhope
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As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Doug Stanhope
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
Doug Stanhope
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
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I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!
Doug Stanhope
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The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
Doug Stanhope
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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
Doug Stanhope
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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
Doug Stanhope
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The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Doug Stanhope
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
Doug Stanhope