Quote

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

Doug Stanhope

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Helps
Either
Helping
Need
Needs
Love
Like

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

Image
Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
Doug Stanhope
Image
When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
Doug Stanhope
Image
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
Image
This is Lakshmi Singh. It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
Doug Stanhope
Image
People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
Image
The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
Doug Stanhope
Image
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
Doug Stanhope
Image
As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Doug Stanhope