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I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Life
None
Funny
Good
Things

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Doug Stanhope
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
Doug Stanhope
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
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As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
Doug Stanhope
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Doug Stanhope
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
Doug Stanhope
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
Doug Stanhope
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Doug Stanhope
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Doug Stanhope
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I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
Doug Stanhope
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Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
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There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
Doug Stanhope
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I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Doug Stanhope