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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Sex
Bring
Friends
House
Kids
Thought
Registering
Ever
Offender
Offenders

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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
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When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
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I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
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The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
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You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
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I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
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I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
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