Quote

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

Doug Stanhope

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Sex
Bring
Friends
House
Kids
Thought
Registering
Ever
Offender
Offenders

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

Image
Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.
Doug Stanhope
Image
When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Coward is the most misused word in our society.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Get the right to marry - and then don't.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope
Image
AA makes Scientology look credible.
Doug Stanhope
Image
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
Image
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!
Doug Stanhope
Image
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
Doug Stanhope
Image
If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
Doug Stanhope
Image
People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
Image
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Doug Stanhope