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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Mirrors
Morning
Ever
Look
Looks
Something
Accurate
Think
Mirror
Thinking
Wake

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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
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You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
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I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.
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The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
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The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
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