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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Something
Accurate
Think
Mirror
Thinking
Wake
Mirrors
Morning
Ever
Look
Looks

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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
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We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
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You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
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I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
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I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
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One UK paper described me as a miserablist, a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
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The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
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