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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Think
Mirror
Thinking
Wake
Mirrors
Morning
Ever
Look
Looks
Something
Accurate

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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
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Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
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Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
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There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
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There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
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I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
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I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
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I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
Doug Stanhope