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Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
People
Rise
Meet
Asks
Take
Really

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
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The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
Doug Stanhope
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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
Doug Stanhope
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Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
Doug Stanhope
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug Stanhope
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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
Doug Stanhope
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I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope
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I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Doug Stanhope
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The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
Doug Stanhope
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
Doug Stanhope
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Doug Stanhope
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Doug Stanhope
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
Doug Stanhope