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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Begins
Miles
Journey
Raping
Thousand
Confucius
Security
Airport
Either
Airports
Vicious
Ass

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One UK paper described me as a miserablist, a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
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There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
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The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
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Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
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I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
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Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
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