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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Thousand
Confucius
Security
Airport
Either
Airports
Vicious
Ass
Begins
Miles
Journey
Raping

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What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
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I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
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I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
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I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
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Get the right to marry - and then don't.
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
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What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
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Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.
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