Quote

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Miles
Journey
Raping
Confucius
Thousand
Airport
Security
Airports
Either
Vicious
Ass
Begins

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
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The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
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You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
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I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
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Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
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