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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Begins
Miles
Journey
Raping
Thousand
Confucius
Security
Airport
Either
Airports
Vicious
Ass

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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
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I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
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Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
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I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
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Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.
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This is Lakshmi Singh. It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
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Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
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What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
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I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
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