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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Good
Life
Moderation
Bullshit
Excess
Keys
Tell
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Doug Stanhope
Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
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I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope
If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
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I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
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Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
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I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
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Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
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The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
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Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
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I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
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I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
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I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
Doug Stanhope
