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I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Deals
Eye
Bigs
Much
Visible
Life
Till
Like
Naked
Cancer
Deal

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
Doug Stanhope
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Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Doug Stanhope
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We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
Doug Stanhope
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Doug Stanhope
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
Doug Stanhope
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The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
Doug Stanhope
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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
Doug Stanhope
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I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
Doug Stanhope
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I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Doug Stanhope
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Doug Stanhope
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
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Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.
Doug Stanhope
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
Doug Stanhope
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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
Doug Stanhope
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
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I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope
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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope