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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Work
Ass
Something
Stick
Helps
Sticks
Usually
Hope
Helping
Might

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
Doug Stanhope
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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
Doug Stanhope
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
Doug Stanhope
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
Doug Stanhope
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Doug Stanhope
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
Doug Stanhope
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Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
Doug Stanhope
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
Doug Stanhope
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As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
Doug Stanhope
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
Doug Stanhope
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
Doug Stanhope
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
Doug Stanhope
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
Doug Stanhope
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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
Doug Stanhope
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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
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I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
Doug Stanhope