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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Lasts
Last
People
Kill
Drink
Party

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Doug Stanhope
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
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I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
Doug Stanhope
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
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Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
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You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Doug Stanhope
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Doug Stanhope
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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
Doug Stanhope
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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
Doug Stanhope
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug Stanhope
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All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
Doug Stanhope
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In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
Doug Stanhope
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There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
Doug Stanhope
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Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
Doug Stanhope
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
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I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
Doug Stanhope
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
Doug Stanhope
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I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope