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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
People
Kill
Drink
Party
Lasts
Last

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
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Get the right to marry - and then don't.
Doug Stanhope
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I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
Doug Stanhope
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
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I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
Doug Stanhope
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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope
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I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.
Doug Stanhope
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
Doug Stanhope
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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
Doug Stanhope
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
Doug Stanhope
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Doug Stanhope
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At least black people knew when they were slaves you remain clueless.
Doug Stanhope
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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
Doug Stanhope
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I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Doug Stanhope