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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Drink
Party
Lasts
Last
People
Kill

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
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Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
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Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
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The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Doug Stanhope
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
Doug Stanhope
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
Doug Stanhope
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Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Doug Stanhope
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You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
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I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Doug Stanhope
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I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
Doug Stanhope
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
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Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Doug Stanhope