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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Artists
Usually
Jobs
Artist
Need
Needs
People

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
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We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
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Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.
Doug Stanhope
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
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You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
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Get the right to marry - and then don't.
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There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Doug Stanhope
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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
Doug Stanhope
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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
Doug Stanhope
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Doug Stanhope