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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Come
Anonymous
Need
Highway
Needs
Highways
Area
Areas
Sex
Rest
Interludes
Order
Raccoons

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
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The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
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There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
Doug Stanhope
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Get the right to marry - and then don't.
Doug Stanhope
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I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.
Doug Stanhope
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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
Doug Stanhope
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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
Doug Stanhope
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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
Doug Stanhope
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I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Doug Stanhope
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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
Doug Stanhope
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Doug Stanhope
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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
Doug Stanhope
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
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We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
Doug Stanhope
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I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
Doug Stanhope