Quote

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Doug Stanhope

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Area
Areas
Sex
Rest
Interludes
Order
Raccoons
Come
Anonymous
Need
Highway
Needs
Highways

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

Image
Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
Image
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
Doug Stanhope
Image
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
Image
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
Doug Stanhope
Image
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.
Doug Stanhope
Image
This is Lakshmi Singh. It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
Doug Stanhope
Image
How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.
Doug Stanhope
Image
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope
Image
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
Doug Stanhope