Quote

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Sex
Rest
Interludes
Order
Raccoons
Come
Anonymous
Need
Highway
Needs
Highways
Area
Areas

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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
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This is Lakshmi Singh. It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
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I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
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I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
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As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
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I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!
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I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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