Quote

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

Doug Stanhope

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Soon
Died
Dies
Young
Ever

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

Image
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
Doug Stanhope
Image
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Doug Stanhope
Image
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
Doug Stanhope
Image
People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
Image
People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
Doug Stanhope
Image
That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
Image
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
Doug Stanhope
Image
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.
Doug Stanhope
Image
When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
Doug Stanhope
Image
The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
Doug Stanhope
Image
In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
Doug Stanhope