Quote

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

Doug Stanhope

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Bored
Spend
Dies
Ideas
Nothing
Years

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

Image
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
Doug Stanhope
Image
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Doug Stanhope
Image
If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Get the right to marry - and then don't.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
Doug Stanhope
Image
You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Coward is the most misused word in our society.
Doug Stanhope
Image
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
Doug Stanhope
Image
I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
Doug Stanhope
Image
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
Image
If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
Image
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Doug Stanhope