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Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Men
Beat
Beats
Dollars
Cost
Five
United
America
Bless
States
Meat
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
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The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
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I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
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Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
Doug Stanhope
Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
Doug Stanhope
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
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Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.
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Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
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I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
Doug Stanhope
Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
Doug Stanhope
