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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Two
Bangs
Someone
Worlds
Firsts
Million
First
Millions
Different
Five
World
Lasts
Last
Times
Bang
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
At least black people knew when they were slaves you remain clueless.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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One UK paper described me as a miserablist, a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
Doug Stanhope
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
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The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
Doug Stanhope
When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
Doug Stanhope
