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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
First
Millions
Different
Five
World
Lasts
Last
Times
Bang
Two
Bangs
Someone
Worlds
Firsts
Million
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
Doug Stanhope
Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
Doug Stanhope
Get the right to marry - and then don't.
Doug Stanhope
I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope
The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
Doug Stanhope
Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
Doug Stanhope
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
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You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
Doug Stanhope
There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
Doug Stanhope
If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
Doug Stanhope
Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Doug Stanhope
At least black people knew when they were slaves you remain clueless.
Doug Stanhope
