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The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
First
Millions
Different
Five
World
Lasts
Last
Times
Bang
Two
Bangs
Someone
Worlds
Firsts
Million
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
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The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
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What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
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The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
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I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
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I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
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I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
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I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!
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AA makes Scientology look credible.
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One UK paper described me as a miserablist, a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
Doug Stanhope
Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Doug Stanhope
In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
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Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
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