Quote

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Cards
Threat
Getting
Write
Death
Nothing
Funnier
Children
Card
Writing
Birthday

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
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I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Doug Stanhope
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If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
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I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.
Doug Stanhope
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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
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That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
Doug Stanhope
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What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
Doug Stanhope
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I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
Doug Stanhope
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I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Doug Stanhope
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Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
Doug Stanhope
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Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
Doug Stanhope
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
Doug Stanhope
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The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
Doug Stanhope
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
Doug Stanhope