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The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Torn
Excuse
Baby
Conditions
Dire
War
Famine
Would
Legitimate
Struck

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I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
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Get the right to marry - and then don't.
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
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I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
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I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
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I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
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I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
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Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
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All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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