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The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Baby
Conditions
War
Dire
Would
Famine
Legitimate
Struck
Torn
Excuse

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
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Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
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I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
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This is Lakshmi Singh. It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
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I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.
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Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
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Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.
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Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
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I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
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I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
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When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
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The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
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Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Doug Stanhope