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The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Excuse
Baby
Conditions
War
Dire
Would
Famine
Legitimate
Struck
Torn

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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!
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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
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Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
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When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
Doug Stanhope
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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
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Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.
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I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
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Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
Doug Stanhope
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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
Doug Stanhope
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At least black people knew when they were slaves you remain clueless.
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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
Doug Stanhope
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Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
Doug Stanhope