Quote

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Conditions
War
Dire
Would
Famine
Legitimate
Struck
Torn
Excuse
Baby

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
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Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
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In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
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I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
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I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
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There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
Doug Stanhope
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Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
Doug Stanhope
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
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I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
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I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
Doug Stanhope
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Doug Stanhope
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A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
Doug Stanhope
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I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
Doug Stanhope