Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
Doug Stanhope
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Vices
Punishment
Already
Need
Needs
Every
Ticket
Tickets
Vice
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
Doug Stanhope
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Doug Stanhope
I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
Doug Stanhope
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Doug Stanhope
What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
Doug Stanhope
People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
Doug Stanhope
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.
Doug Stanhope
Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
Doug Stanhope
When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
Doug Stanhope
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
Doug Stanhope
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Doug Stanhope
I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Doug Stanhope
I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.
Doug Stanhope
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
Doug Stanhope
