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Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Drugs
Cancer
Worse
Drug
Disease
Cure
Boredom
Cures
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
Doug Stanhope
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Doug Stanhope
Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
This is Lakshmi Singh. It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
Doug Stanhope
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
Doug Stanhope
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Doug Stanhope
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
Doug Stanhope
I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Doug Stanhope
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Doug Stanhope
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
Doug Stanhope
Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
Doug Stanhope
How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.
Doug Stanhope
AA makes Scientology look credible.
Doug Stanhope
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
One UK paper described me as a miserablist, a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
Doug Stanhope
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
Doug Stanhope
Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
Doug Stanhope
