Quote

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Shows
Corpse
People
Corpses
Pictures
Picture
Baby
Show
Father
Wallet
Keep
Wallets

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Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
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I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
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If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
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If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
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Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
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I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
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There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
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