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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Alone
Didn
School
Shooter
Bullets
Awkward
Usual
Type
Fans
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
Doug Stanhope
I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
Doug Stanhope
My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
Doug Stanhope
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
Doug Stanhope
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.
Doug Stanhope
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Doug Stanhope
If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
Doug Stanhope
Coward is the most misused word in our society.
Doug Stanhope
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
Doug Stanhope
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Doug Stanhope
The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
Doug Stanhope
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Doug Stanhope
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
Doug Stanhope
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
Doug Stanhope
Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
Doug Stanhope
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Doug Stanhope
