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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Pornography
Ruined
Definition
Definitions
Hold
High
Used
Things
Sacrosanct

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There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
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I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
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When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
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I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
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Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
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Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
Doug Stanhope
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Doug Stanhope
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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
Doug Stanhope
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
Doug Stanhope
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I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
Doug Stanhope
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
Doug Stanhope
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I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!
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He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
Doug Stanhope
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Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
Doug Stanhope
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Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
Doug Stanhope
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If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
Doug Stanhope