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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Really
Motivator
Clap
Flaw
Pussy
Flaws
Ultimate
Mankind
System

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
Doug Stanhope
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How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.
Doug Stanhope
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This is Lakshmi Singh. It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
Doug Stanhope
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All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
Doug Stanhope
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Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
Doug Stanhope
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I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope
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I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
Doug Stanhope
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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
Doug Stanhope
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I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle you are not all going to be here at the end.
Doug Stanhope
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I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Doug Stanhope
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Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.
Doug Stanhope
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I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
Doug Stanhope
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Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
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You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
Doug Stanhope
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I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!
Doug Stanhope
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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do? Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.
Doug Stanhope
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If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
Doug Stanhope