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Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Flaws
Ultimate
Mankind
System
Really
Motivator
Clap
Flaw
Pussy

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
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I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word evil? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says evildoers. Chug the bottle for axis of evil. Are you a president or an exorcist?!
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I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Doug Stanhope
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
Doug Stanhope
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
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What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
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It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
Doug Stanhope
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
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If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
Doug Stanhope
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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
Doug Stanhope
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They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
Doug Stanhope
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So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Doug Stanhope
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
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The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
Doug Stanhope
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You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
Doug Stanhope
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Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
Doug Stanhope
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Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
Doug Stanhope