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If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Mouths
Raised
Parents
Parent
Words
Means
Noises
Mean
Offended
Make
Noise

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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
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Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
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Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
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Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
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I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
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The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
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If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
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Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
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If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
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Coward is the most misused word in our society.
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High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
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Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
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AA makes Scientology look credible.
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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
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I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
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