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If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
Doug Stanhope
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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Means
Noises
Mean
Offended
Make
Noise
Mouths
Raised
Parents
Parent
Words
More quotes by Doug Stanhope
How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.
Doug Stanhope
I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
Doug Stanhope
I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.
Doug Stanhope
That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Doug Stanhope
I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
Doug Stanhope
The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
Doug Stanhope
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
Doug Stanhope
I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Doug Stanhope
I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.
Doug Stanhope
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
Doug Stanhope
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Doug Stanhope
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Doug Stanhope
Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.
Doug Stanhope
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doug Stanhope
I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug Stanhope
There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
Doug Stanhope
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Doug Stanhope
