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Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

Doug Stanhope

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Doug Stanhope
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 25
Cabaret Artist
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Writer
Worcester
Massachusetts
Douglas Stanhope
Everybody
Nothing
Angry

More quotes by Doug Stanhope

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I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
Doug Stanhope
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I'm forty four I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
Doug Stanhope
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Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
Doug Stanhope
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Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Doug Stanhope
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Close your mouth when you chew. That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.
Doug Stanhope
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The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Doug Stanhope
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The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug Stanhope
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Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
Doug Stanhope
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At least black people knew when they were slaves you remain clueless.
Doug Stanhope
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Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
Doug Stanhope
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There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
Doug Stanhope
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You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Doug Stanhope
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Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug Stanhope
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In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
Doug Stanhope
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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
Doug Stanhope
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Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doug Stanhope
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Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
Doug Stanhope
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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
Doug Stanhope
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Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Doug Stanhope
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Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
Doug Stanhope